An addictive cycle . . .
The husband and I started off the day yesterday on a lousy note. As we woke up, there was a song playing on the radio by country group Rascal Flats (sp?) about a little girl with cancer. OK, that touched two nerves: a sick child AND he listened to that group with mistress #4. I (stupidly) asked him about the significance of the group and he said, yeah, it reminded him of when he & she used to listen to their albums together. GAG!!!!! I don't remember all the details, but I ended up facing away from him, curled up in a ball, sobbing. What a wonderful way to start the day.
After our daughter died, he had a terrible time dealing with it. Well of course. So did I. But he felt he couldn't come to me with his pain, so he took it elsewhere. He found women online who had sympathetic ears and willing bodies and took his comfort there. Over the course of six years he carried on his shenanigans with six different women, and I was OBLIVIOUS. Now, I know you're saying to yourself, clearly she knew what was going on and she chose to ignore it. But you're wrong. He kept it all to himself, never told another soul - except the other women. Only one lived in this area - the others were all a minimum of 4 hours away. He tells now about how he "compartmentalized" the whole thing, thinking he was still a good husband because "I told them I was never going to leave you." He deluded himself into thinking that as long as I didn't know, no one was going to get hurt.(!) Of the few people who know our story, NO ONE can believe he was doing this.
Of course now, with 20/20 hindsight, I see some of the signs. He decided not to have detailed cell phone billing - it's his business line and there were SO many calls that it wasn't worth it. He had his computer password protected - again, it's for business and it's a laptop, so if anyone else were to get it, etc. He worked till 6:00 most nights - lots of stuff to do at work, etc. He started taking more business trips - to learn more about setting up his new business. He took extra days on his annual backpacking trip - his buddy couldn't get away on those days, so he'd just take some time by himself. All perfectly reasonable when taken in isolation. And all true - if you don't count the sin of omission. He just neglected to mention that he was going backpacking for a few days AND staying at a cabin with another woman for few days! The only other "gut" things amounted to a dream I had a few years ago that he was having an affair - which, of course, he denied when I asked him. And a friend of a friend who had just finished divorcing her cheating husband said, "That guy's having an affair." The friend told me and we both had a good laugh about it. I mean, really, not HIM. He's so quiet and mild-mannered...
Yes, HIM. He started with a one-weekend fling with someone he'd been emailing and phoning for months. This happened right after the one year anniversary of our daughter's death. He said he "needed to get away." It was weird, but hell, what wasn't weird after the death of our child? We were coping with the complexities of our premature son, I was learning how to be a stay-at-home mom of a preemie. He was dealing with being the sole breadwinner, etc. Nothing was normal anymore anyway, so why not?
When I asked recently if he felt guilty after that one, he said yes, he had cried about it, he felt so guilty. So why did he do it again? Well, therein lies the crux of the whole thing, it was an addictive cycle. He felt bad about our daughter's death so he found women who listened which made him feel good, so he contacted them more which made him feel guilty, then he met up with them for sex and that made him feel good, but later he felt bad and guilty, however when they talked again it was exciting and thrilling, so that made him feel good again, etc., etc., etc. Around and around it went, until he had himself so deep into it he couldn't get out. I am not making excuses for him. It has taken a year, much therapy, several books and MANY late night discussions with him for me to get to this point where I can understand it. NOT rationalize it, just comprehend it.
OK, I'll get off my soapbox - for now. More on this another time...
After our daughter died, he had a terrible time dealing with it. Well of course. So did I. But he felt he couldn't come to me with his pain, so he took it elsewhere. He found women online who had sympathetic ears and willing bodies and took his comfort there. Over the course of six years he carried on his shenanigans with six different women, and I was OBLIVIOUS. Now, I know you're saying to yourself, clearly she knew what was going on and she chose to ignore it. But you're wrong. He kept it all to himself, never told another soul - except the other women. Only one lived in this area - the others were all a minimum of 4 hours away. He tells now about how he "compartmentalized" the whole thing, thinking he was still a good husband because "I told them I was never going to leave you." He deluded himself into thinking that as long as I didn't know, no one was going to get hurt.(!) Of the few people who know our story, NO ONE can believe he was doing this.
Of course now, with 20/20 hindsight, I see some of the signs. He decided not to have detailed cell phone billing - it's his business line and there were SO many calls that it wasn't worth it. He had his computer password protected - again, it's for business and it's a laptop, so if anyone else were to get it, etc. He worked till 6:00 most nights - lots of stuff to do at work, etc. He started taking more business trips - to learn more about setting up his new business. He took extra days on his annual backpacking trip - his buddy couldn't get away on those days, so he'd just take some time by himself. All perfectly reasonable when taken in isolation. And all true - if you don't count the sin of omission. He just neglected to mention that he was going backpacking for a few days AND staying at a cabin with another woman for few days! The only other "gut" things amounted to a dream I had a few years ago that he was having an affair - which, of course, he denied when I asked him. And a friend of a friend who had just finished divorcing her cheating husband said, "That guy's having an affair." The friend told me and we both had a good laugh about it. I mean, really, not HIM. He's so quiet and mild-mannered...
Yes, HIM. He started with a one-weekend fling with someone he'd been emailing and phoning for months. This happened right after the one year anniversary of our daughter's death. He said he "needed to get away." It was weird, but hell, what wasn't weird after the death of our child? We were coping with the complexities of our premature son, I was learning how to be a stay-at-home mom of a preemie. He was dealing with being the sole breadwinner, etc. Nothing was normal anymore anyway, so why not?
When I asked recently if he felt guilty after that one, he said yes, he had cried about it, he felt so guilty. So why did he do it again? Well, therein lies the crux of the whole thing, it was an addictive cycle. He felt bad about our daughter's death so he found women who listened which made him feel good, so he contacted them more which made him feel guilty, then he met up with them for sex and that made him feel good, but later he felt bad and guilty, however when they talked again it was exciting and thrilling, so that made him feel good again, etc., etc., etc. Around and around it went, until he had himself so deep into it he couldn't get out. I am not making excuses for him. It has taken a year, much therapy, several books and MANY late night discussions with him for me to get to this point where I can understand it. NOT rationalize it, just comprehend it.
OK, I'll get off my soapbox - for now. More on this another time...
posted by my two cents at 3:21 PM
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