Sex, flat tires and Harry Potter
What a long, strange trip it's been...
Today began at 6:00 a.m. with the husband cuddling up, angling for sex. I'm NOT a morning person, so this was a challenge. I went along, however, and he had a great time. It was OK for me, but I didn't "get there" so I was a bit disappointed. He offered to help with a toy, but I just couldn't get into it enough. So from there the discussion went to how this used to be a regular occurrence and how now I know that he was bringing all his affair guilt into the bedroom, and therefore having trouble "performing." He didn't think I was doing a good job of listening to him and his feelings regarding that, so that just set us both off. This is one of the hot button issues in our marriage. Evidently it has been all along, but it only came out in counseling.
We originally went into counseling for sexual issues, as in: it wasn't hard enough. The counseling began nearly a year before I discovered the affairs. (D-day - discovery day - was October 27, 2004) We began seeing a guy who specializes in sexual issues. Over the few months we were with him, the main issue that was identified was that I was "expecting" too much. That I was putting too much pressure on him because I expected an orgasm each time. Well, I'm sorry, but I CAN orgasm every time, so I WANT to orgasm every time. The irony of him and all his affairs is that I LIKE SEX. (OK, 6 a.m. is a bit early, but normally I'm into it as much as he is.) I had thought sex was one area we were doing OK in until the erection issue became a regular occurrence. Then I suggested the counseling. What ended up happening, though, was that I felt like the counselor and husband were BOTH ganging up on ME, blaming ME. After several months with him, we ended that relationship and moved to a new guy. The new one is MUCH better. He validates what BOTH of us are saying. And he is teaching us HOW to communicate. The skill of listening is one I'm still working on... and hubby is working on talking and coming forward with his feelings, telling me what he thinks instead of keeping it all inside. But none of this helped us much this morning.
We ended up sort of "having it out" (again!), but had to end it when one of the kids came in. So we tabled the "discussion." Later, after having dropped the kids off at a birthday party, we went for a drive.
The purpose of the drive was to go to all the places he met with other women. We drove by 6 motels in town, another one out of town, plus a condo and a massage place. Plus there's one about 1/2 hour away and then we won't even count the places he went out of town and met them - places he was supposed to be backpacking or going to conferences for work...
It was extremely difficult going to those places, but VERY important for me. Places mean a lot to me and I need to be able to picture things in terms of where they took place. It seems like I'm a glutton for punishment, but honestly, I have been unsettled about this for the past year. We didn't say much on the drive. He said his stomach was in knots and I know mine was. It made it all very real. One place is just 5 houses away from where my good friend lives. What if he'd been seen??? It's a small community. You never know who is going to see you and know you.
As we were driving on the freeway to go back to see the kids, the tire blew out on the van. Thankfully he was driving and the tire place was nearby, so we just drove on it straight there. (I'm so glad it wasn't me driving with the two kids in some remote area!) That threw a kink in our day and our wallet! We ended up 4 tires richer and about $400 poorer, something we really don't need right now as finances are tight enough!
Then this evening, when I thought he and I might have some time to discuss all of the above, he fell asleep while putting the kids to bed. AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!! So I told him I was going out to see the new Harry Potter movie - by myself - and he could go to bed. (The movie was excellent by the way! I'm a big fan!)
So here I am, alone again, and we still haven't processed all that went on today. Tomorrow we have church, but that's all, so I hope we can find time to talk.
OK, I'll get off my soapbox now cuz it's nearly 2:00.
Today began at 6:00 a.m. with the husband cuddling up, angling for sex. I'm NOT a morning person, so this was a challenge. I went along, however, and he had a great time. It was OK for me, but I didn't "get there" so I was a bit disappointed. He offered to help with a toy, but I just couldn't get into it enough. So from there the discussion went to how this used to be a regular occurrence and how now I know that he was bringing all his affair guilt into the bedroom, and therefore having trouble "performing." He didn't think I was doing a good job of listening to him and his feelings regarding that, so that just set us both off. This is one of the hot button issues in our marriage. Evidently it has been all along, but it only came out in counseling.
We originally went into counseling for sexual issues, as in: it wasn't hard enough. The counseling began nearly a year before I discovered the affairs. (D-day - discovery day - was October 27, 2004) We began seeing a guy who specializes in sexual issues. Over the few months we were with him, the main issue that was identified was that I was "expecting" too much. That I was putting too much pressure on him because I expected an orgasm each time. Well, I'm sorry, but I CAN orgasm every time, so I WANT to orgasm every time. The irony of him and all his affairs is that I LIKE SEX. (OK, 6 a.m. is a bit early, but normally I'm into it as much as he is.) I had thought sex was one area we were doing OK in until the erection issue became a regular occurrence. Then I suggested the counseling. What ended up happening, though, was that I felt like the counselor and husband were BOTH ganging up on ME, blaming ME. After several months with him, we ended that relationship and moved to a new guy. The new one is MUCH better. He validates what BOTH of us are saying. And he is teaching us HOW to communicate. The skill of listening is one I'm still working on... and hubby is working on talking and coming forward with his feelings, telling me what he thinks instead of keeping it all inside. But none of this helped us much this morning.
We ended up sort of "having it out" (again!), but had to end it when one of the kids came in. So we tabled the "discussion." Later, after having dropped the kids off at a birthday party, we went for a drive.
The purpose of the drive was to go to all the places he met with other women. We drove by 6 motels in town, another one out of town, plus a condo and a massage place. Plus there's one about 1/2 hour away and then we won't even count the places he went out of town and met them - places he was supposed to be backpacking or going to conferences for work...
It was extremely difficult going to those places, but VERY important for me. Places mean a lot to me and I need to be able to picture things in terms of where they took place. It seems like I'm a glutton for punishment, but honestly, I have been unsettled about this for the past year. We didn't say much on the drive. He said his stomach was in knots and I know mine was. It made it all very real. One place is just 5 houses away from where my good friend lives. What if he'd been seen??? It's a small community. You never know who is going to see you and know you.
As we were driving on the freeway to go back to see the kids, the tire blew out on the van. Thankfully he was driving and the tire place was nearby, so we just drove on it straight there. (I'm so glad it wasn't me driving with the two kids in some remote area!) That threw a kink in our day and our wallet! We ended up 4 tires richer and about $400 poorer, something we really don't need right now as finances are tight enough!
Then this evening, when I thought he and I might have some time to discuss all of the above, he fell asleep while putting the kids to bed. AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!! So I told him I was going out to see the new Harry Potter movie - by myself - and he could go to bed. (The movie was excellent by the way! I'm a big fan!)
So here I am, alone again, and we still haven't processed all that went on today. Tomorrow we have church, but that's all, so I hope we can find time to talk.
OK, I'll get off my soapbox now cuz it's nearly 2:00.
posted by my two cents at 1:14 AM
2 Comments:
I've read your blog today and I must say I'm so impressed with your courage. It's admirable you're working through all of what's happened to you. There are many parallels between your life and mine and I just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you're in an awfully healthy place - given the terrible issues of the past. Good luck.
Thank you for your kind comments, especially that I'm in a healthy place. I'd like to think so. I'm trying very hard. I'd be interested to hear more about the parallels, if you care to share.
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